There is a circus in town this week and everyone is talking about what happened to the human cannonball?
He got fired!
Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the sockets go with the house.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”
The policeman said, “What’s he like?”
Little Johnny replied, “Beer and women!”
Johnny and his wife attended a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication.
The couple listened to the instructor who stated, “It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.”
The instructor then addressed Johnny, “For example, sir can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”
Johnny leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?”
Went to the theater last night and saw a new performance entirely on puns.
It was a play on words.
A man from the Soviet Union obtains a permit to move to the USA.
Once settled in the US, the immigrant’s new neighbor asks what his old apartment was like back in Russia.
“Oh, my old apartment was perfect. I could not complain.”
So the neighbor then asks him what his old job was like back home.
“Oh, my old job was perfect. I could not complain.”
So the neighbor asks him what the food was like back in the USSR.
“Oh, the food was perfect. I could not complain.”
Puzzled, the neighbor finally asks him, if everything was so great in the Soviet Union, why did he move?
The immigrant says, “Here I can complain.”
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.
He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’
Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’
A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer.
‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’
The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.
The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.
The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guy says, ‘What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.’ ‘I don’t need to outrun the bear,’ the first guy says. ‘I just need to outrun you.’
‘Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport.’
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $100 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $100 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’
I just started a new diet, it’s called a holistic diet.
You can only eat Swiss cheese.
Our local grocery put in a new policy that the store workers that bag your groceries must let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic bags.
This new policy is due to the fact that everyone know baggers can’t be choosers.
There is a new scientific study that states that there is a way to communicate with a fish, all you need to do is to drop them a line.
How do you know you have too much stress in your life?
You have too much stress in your life, when night after night stress wakes you up screaming hours before you ever fall asleep.
I just read in the newspaper that a man died by hitting his head on the bedroom nightstand after tripping over his wife’s bra.
The police think the man’s wife set a booby trap!
There was once this second-rate orchestra led by a second-rate director.
In the orchestra was the guy on the cymbals never hit his cue at the right time. So the conductor said, “If you don’t get it right this time I’ll kill you.”
When the time came for the percussionist to get it right, he didn’t. And so the director pulled out a gun and shot him dead.
Of course, the police came and arrested him and eventually the conductor ended up on death row. The day came when he was sent to the electric chair. As the crowd watched, the executionist flipped the switch … but nothing happened. Everyone wondered what when wrong.
But the director knew. Saddened by all that had taken place, he said, “I never was a very good … conductor!”
I just read in the newspaper that a local man while walking in the woods was killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
I saw on the news tonight a local bakery burned down.
When the TV reporter asked the owner did he think his bakery could stay open after the fire.
The baker said “no, now my business is just toast”.
Did you here on the news that a local woman was arrested today.
The woman found twenty dollars in the pants pocket of her husband after she washed and dried them. Her husband turned her in to the authorities for money laundering.
I was in a night club last week and this beautiful girl came over to me.
She patted me on my bald head and asked me, “Is it true what they say about bald men making better lovers?”
I said, “I’ve no idea; I’ve never slept with one.”
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in Morse Code.
A friend of mine just quit his job today at the donut factory.
I asked him why, as it seem like a good job.
He said it was because he was just fed up with the hole business
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes;
You know you’re from California if: Both you AND your dog have therapists.
A friend of mine applied for a job as a weatherman, but his knowledge of meteorology was a little cloudy.
I’m learning to read Braille and the first story I’m reading is a horror story.
I’m in the part of the story where something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.
I used to be a Funeral Director, but quit because it was a dead end job
What’s the difference between a monkey, an orphan, a prince, and a bald guy?
A monkey has a hairy parent, an orphan has nary a parent, a prince is an heir apparent, and the bald guy has no hair apparent.
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, “Do you think there’s baseball in Heaven?” Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal — if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself one day and hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol… .”
Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”
“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in Heaven?”
“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.
Abe says, “Well, there is baseball in Heaven.”
Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?”
Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”
A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you one.”
“Me first!” says the paralegal. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Tom Cruise.”
Poof! She’s gone.
“Me next!” says the associate. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.”
Poof! He’s gone.
“You’re next,” the Genie says to the partner.
The partner says: “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.
She pleads, “Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.”
And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!”
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
One evening an old man is traveling at 70mph in a 30mh zone.
A police car pulls him over. The office tells the old man “I’ve been following you for 5 minutes and you kept accelerating.”
The police officer continues “I finish my shift in 2 minutes. If you can give me an excuse I haven’t heard before I’ll let you go as it’s going to save me doing the paperwork.”
The old man thinks then replies “My wife ran away with a police officer 3 years ago, I thought you were him bringing her back.”
The police officer returns to his patrol car and drives away.
Why can’t you run through a campground?
You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence!
I saw a documentary film last night that was about the life of beaver’s.
It was the best dam movie I’ve ever seen.
A rich 40 year-old American woman decided to get married, but she wanted her husband to be a virgin and to never had been with a woman all of his life.
After some years of pointless searching, she didn’t found anyone with this description and forced to give an ad to the paper.
A month later, she met with an Australian man who had never been with a woman before in his life and she married him immediately.
On the first night of their wedding and before they lay down, she went for a quick fresh up and then went back to the bedroom, happy.
When she entered the bedroom she saw her husband standing naked in the center of the room and all the furniture pushed into a corner of the room.
But.. What happened?” asked the woman obviously shocked.
“Look..” said her new husband ” I’ve never been with a woman, but if it’s anything like being with a kangaroo, then I’ll need the whole room to catch you
Did you know that the Westcott Scissors And Rulers company is having financial problems.
They won’t be making yard sticks any longer?
After his day of classes a college student was working his part time job as a pizza delivery boy.
He had the bad luck of getting to deliver to the worse tipper in the county, Bud Smith.
The young man reaches Bud’s trailer, and deliverers the pizza when Bud asked the same question he always asks every delivery boy, ” So what do people give as a usual tip?”
“Well,” replied the youth, “the other delivery guys say if I get a fifty cents out of you, I’ll be doing great.”
“Is that so?” snorted Bud. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”
“Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.” “What are you studying?” asked Bud.
The lad smiled and said, “Applied psychology.”
Two hillbillies went to the zoo and watched in awe as a lion let loose with a spine-tingling roar.
“Let’s get out of here!” said the first hillbilly.
“Go on, if’n you want to,” said the other hillbilly. “But Ah’m stayin’ for the whole movie!”
NASA says they want to build a restaurant on Mars.
They say the food will be great, but they’re worried about a lack of atmosphere.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for his birthday?
He could sense his presence.
Johnny was at school and the teacher said, “Someone use fascinate in a sentence.”
Sally answered, “The zoo was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence.”
Maria suggested, “I was fascinated at the zoo.”
Once again the teacher said, “No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence.”
Johnny said, “My sister has ten buttons on her sweater.”
Again the teacher said, “Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence.”
Johnny replied, “I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.”
Did you hear about the vampire who used to torture his victims with his piano playing?
His Bach was worse than his bite
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter in the drugstore: ‘Are you the owner?’
The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: ‘We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?’
Pharmacist: ‘Of course we do.’
Jacob: ‘How about medicine for circulation?’
Pharmacist: ‘All kinds.’
Jacob: ‘Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?’
Pharmacist: ‘Definitely.’
Jacob: ‘How about Viagra?’
Pharmacist: ‘Of course.’
Jacob: ‘Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?’
Pharmacist: ‘Yes, a large variety. The works.’
Jacob: ‘What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?’
Pharmacist: ‘Absolutely.’
Jacob: ‘You sell wheelchairs and walkers?’
Pharmacist: ‘All speeds and sizes.’
Jacob says to the pharmacist: ‘Well then, we’d like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.’
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ear off!
Henry, who was very elderly, was unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the entrance porch when the worshippers were busy praying.
When Henry arrived at the church an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on ‘The Ten Commandments.’
After the service, Henry met the vicar in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him, ‘I want to thank you Father for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.’
The vicar answered, ‘You mean the commandment ‘ Thou shall not steal’ changed your mind?’
‘No, ‘retorted Henry, ‘the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that, I remembered where I had left my old hat.’
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.”
So I opened up the box, and sure enough…
I just read that cemeteries all over the country are raising their prices; their blaming it on the increased cost of living.
There was a doctor, a lawyer and an HMO director at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says to the doctor,”You can go on in.”
The lawyer steps up, and St. Peter says, “You can go in on a trial basis.”
The HMO director is next in line, and St. Peter says, “You can enter, but only for 3 days.”
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried to slam a revolving door.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
If bald people get hit on the head, do they get hairline fractures?
Two dogs are walking down the street, one says, “Wait a minute” and then crosses the road. He sniffs around a fire hydrant and returns.
The other dog says, “What was that all about?”
The first dog replies, “Just checking my messages!”
If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
If we ever figure out how to preserve people, we’ll really be in a jam.
What did the horse say when he fell?
“Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”
Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him.
The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy storms off in anger.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “Why wouldn’t you answer that guy’s question?”
The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!”
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day.
“In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room retorted, “Yeah, right.”
A town’s police officer went to the barbershop. After his haircut, he got ready to pay the barber and the barber said, “No Mr. Police Officer, I don’t charge anyone who serves the public for haircuts.” So the next morning the barber found 2 tickets to the local major league baseball team’s next game outside of his doorstep.
A couple of days past and a town’s fireman came in to get his haircut, he got ready to pay and the barber said, “No Mr. Fireman, I don’t charge anyone who serves the public for haircuts.” So the next morning the barber found two six-packs of his favorite beer outside of his doorstep.
A couple of days later the town’s Mayor came in to get his hair cut and when he got ready to pay the barber said, “Mr. Mayor, I don’t charge anyone who serves the public for haircuts.” So the next morning the barber found 15 other local politicians on his doorstep, ready to get their haircut!
An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved, “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money. It totaled fifty thousand dollars.
Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. “Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No.”
Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…”
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, “We’re outta here!”
In the backwoods of Arkansas, Billy Bob’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The local doctor was called in to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
“Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there’s yet another wee one to come.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby.
“Now don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there’s yet another!” cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. “Do ya think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”
In the backwoods of Arkansas, Billy Bob’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The local doctor was called in to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
“Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there’s yet another wee one to come.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby.
“Now don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there’s yet another!” cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. “Do ya think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”
A town’s police officer went to the barbershop. After his haircut, he got ready to pay the barber and the barber said, “No Mr. Police Officer, I don’t charge anyone who serves the public for haircuts.” So the next morning the barber found 2 tickets to the local major league baseball team’s next game outside of his doorstep.
A couple of days past and a town’s fireman came in to get his haircut, he got ready to pay and the barber said, “No Mr. Fireman, I don’t charge anyone who serves the public for haircuts.” So the next morning the barber found two six-packs of his favorite beer outside of his doorstep.
A couple of days later the town’s Mayor came in to get his hair cut and when he got ready to pay the barber said, “Mr. Mayor, I don’t charge anyone who serves the public for haircuts.” So the next morning the barber found 15 other local politicians on his doorstep, ready to get their haircut!
After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said,
“It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth,
so I want you to kiss her.”
Adam answered, “Yes, Lord, but what is a ‘kiss’?”
The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand
and walked her behind a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Thank you Lord, that was
enjoyable.”
And the Lord replied, Now, I’d like you to caress Eve.”
And Adam said, “What is a ‘caress’?”
So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind
the bush again with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, “Lord, that
was even better than the kiss.”
And the Lord said, “Now, I want you to make love to Eve.”
And Adam asked, “What is ‘make love’, Lord?”
So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and off Adam went again with Eve behind the bush.
Just a few moments later Adam re-appeared from the bush and said, “Lord, what is a ‘headache’?”
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”
The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”
Harry had been feeling sick for a few weeks and his wife was urging him constantly that must see his doctor. Finally Harry agreed.
Once at his appointment, the doctor begins a thorough examination on Harry. During the exam a very worried Suzy takes out a large note book and begins interrupting the doctor with questions about potential causes from her notes.
Upon completion of the exam the doctor has a prognosis.
The doctor. says “Harry everything points to stress”.
Suzy flips through pages in her note book, shakes her head in agreement and yells out “I knew it!” The doctor continues, I would like you to start reducing the stress in your life.
Suzy, now turns to a blank page and is ready to write down the doctor’s list of orders.
The doctor then says “this can be done through exercise and eliminating those things that stress you”.
Suzy yells out “and drugs? Drugs to reduce stress right?”.
“Yes” Says the doctor looking at Suzy then turning to Harry “I am going to write a prescription for one tranquilizer to be taken four times a day by your wife”.
A plumber was called to an upscale apartment in New York City to repair a leaking pipe.
Upon arriving, he found that the woman was dressed provocatively and seemed to be hovering around him.
After a while, the two became a little friendly and things got heated between them.
Finally they started to take off their clothes when the phone rang. The lady hurried off to answer it. She returned and said “bad news, that was my husband on the phone and he is on his way home from work”.
Then she added, “But tonight is his bowling night, so why don’t you come back around 8 p.m. and we can finish this?”
The plumber replied, “What, on my own time?”
A man and a woman factory worker are talking, When the woman worker says, “I going to get the boss give me the day off.”
The man worker replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.”
The woman climbs up on a table, grabs an air vent and hangs upside down.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The boss and the woman walk away when the man worker starts to follow them.
The boss turns to him and says “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
When Billy turned 16 he decided he wanted to sneak into a strip club, and did.
The next day his mom found out and got very angry with him.
Billy’s mom asks, “I know your 16 now, but did you see anything there that you wasn’t supposed to see?”
Billy says “Yes, dad!”
A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good-looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island.
One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree, looked around and then yelled out, “Stop making love down there!”
Once the sailor climbed down the husband said “What’s the matter with you? We weren’t making love.”
“Sorry,” said the sailor, “From up there it looked like you were.”
Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree, looked around and yelled the same thing.
Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself what the sailor was seeing. With great difficulty, he husband made his way to the top.
The husband says to himself, “By golly he’s right! It DOES look like they’re making love down there!”
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
After many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'”
The actor is thrilled.
All day long before the play he’s practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”
The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! “You bloody fool!” he cried, “You have ruined me!”
The actor was bewildered, “What happened, did I forget my line?”
“No!” screamed the director. “You forgot the rose!”
I went to my doctor last week.
He told me that jogging could add years to my life.
He was right—I feel ten years older already.
Did you hear about the new German-Chinese fusion restaurant in town?
The food is great, but an hour later, you’re hungry for power.
An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved, “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money. It totaled fifty thousand dollars.
Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. “Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No.”
Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…”
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, “We’re outta here!”
Research scientist say they’ve just found a gene for shyness.
They said they would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.
Q: What do you call a dog magician?
A: A Labrabacadabrador
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.
“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”